Tales of the Journey

Happy Valentine's Day

2012-02-14T19:39:00.000-08:00

I was going to let this day just pass quietly, without much fanfare or blog-fare and then I read a post by another blogger. He writes about church stuff and today's post had to do with single people in church. He meant it as funny, I know. He meant it to be something to laugh about and look at the church and say "what are we thinking?". For many people, it was funny. For me, well, it just made me sad.

I've done this back and forth struggle thing with being single (and if you read the book "Single Minded" written by me and three other women, you will see that firsthand). When I was in High School I dreamed of the day when I would be married with children (it looked nothing like that awful TV show from the late 80's BTW). I knew by the time I turned 25 that I would be happily settled down with the love of my life and on the way towards becoming a mom. 25 was a few years back. It never happened.

For many years I was just fine being single. I had a vibrant job, was content to be a second "mom" type to many youth and knew without a doubt that I wouldn't have been able to be married with kids and doing the job I was doing to the fullest extent with which I threw myself into the job. Some days it was hard. I will never, ever forget falling apart upon learning that the first of my cousin's was going to have a baby. Nor will I forget that feeling of being happy for that same cousin and devastated for myself when she got engaged. That selfish feeling was awful.

Yet what I was feeling was real. Over the years that same feeling has come and gone. I've prayed, oh how I have prayed, for God to take the desire away. I didn't ask for this to be my life. I am following God, this is the life I got. I really, really want to be perfectly happy and content and yet, I'm not. Well meaning church folk have said some of the exact things that the blogger said today: "Don't you WANT to be married? Why don't you go to a bar? How about a match maker site? You'll never meet anyone in this town (IE, the perfect Christian guy)."

The blog was meant to be funny. To many it was. For me, it was a reminder that I'm still single and it's not my choice. I'll continue to smile and be happy for those friends newly engaged. I'll continue to ooh and aah and cuddle babies. I'll continue to pray, remind myself that I'm not alone in the world, that others desire the same thing...and a part of my heart will continue to be selfish and sad for me.

I know that marriage and parenthood isn't all peaches and cream. I know that it's difficult and I know that some of my friends who are both are a little envious of my singleness. The problem isn't with my head knowledge, it's with my heart knowledge. My heart longs for something has yet happen, may never happen and that is my reality this Valentine's Day.

Drumroll please...

2012-02-10T20:10:00.000-08:00

The pins and needles are now in the past...I officially have a job. Administrative Assistant for the local District office of Rotary International. It's a brand new job--they haven't hired anyone before--brand new office, brand new experience. I'm excited. Beyond excited. Everything about this job just seems to fit me. I know that God is in these details.

I'm also planning. My commute has just doubled from my current one-day-a-week job and quadrupled (maybe even increased six-fold in mileage) from my former job. I've spent the evening looking at the public transportation options, estimating my gas costs and trying to figure out how much it would cost to take said public transportation. Not as easy as I thought it would be to figure some of that out but it's a good, anticipatory challenge.

I'm also working on a post that I'm a little terrified of writing. I try to stay away from topics that get people worked up, but my brain is working overtime on a particular subject. Stay tuned!

Woo-hoo!

2012-02-03T19:40:00.000-08:00

If you had asked me Wednesday morning about my Tuesday night job interview, I would have told you that it went fine. I left the interview knowing I had been true to me but not really sure how well that came across.

Wednesday @ noon you would have seen me doing my version of the happy dance after receiving an email requesting a 2nd interview.

This morning at 11:37am, you might have seen me restrained and trying really hard not to jump up and down in glee in the middle of a sedated neighborhood of offices and homes. I went into the beautiful old victorian house-turned office expecting a 2nd interview...I came out with a job offer.

Pending references, I have a new job. A new job that I'm excited about. I'm gonna hold off on sharing too much right now.

More to come...

Paradise

2012-02-02T16:43:00.000-08:00

Yesterday afternoon, I picked up Creative Guy from the after school program at former church. I pulled into the parking lot, turned off the car and turned around to clear off the stuff from Creative Guy's seat in the back. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw this flash of movement and then heard a sound. I looked up to see Meg dancing outside my car window, saying something like "I run all the way over here to see her and she isn't even looking my way." Sorry Meg. Nice to know I have friends who run to meet me. :)

Creative Guy runs over to meet me too. That's always good for a heart melting moment. Yesterday, as we were driving away our conversation went a little like this:

Me: How was Snack Time?

CG: Good. We had a special snack.

Me: Oh, what was it?

CG: Chicken nuggets...I was really hoping there would be hot chocolate.

Me: Yeah, hot chocolate would be pretty special.

CG: (sighing) That would be paradise.

Me: ?? What would be paradise?

CG: Having hot chocolate. Watching a movie. Eating my favorite foods.

Me: What are your favorite foods?

CG: Bacon and yogurt. Oh and little pizza's with small bacon bits.

Me: So eating bacon, yogurt, little pizza's with small bacon bits, watching movies and drinking hot chocolate would be paradise?

CG: Yeah...I have two birthday parties to go to this weekend.

Oh how I love this boy.

Reconnect

2012-01-31T22:20:00.000-08:00

"I've been severely depressed lately." Those words came out of my mouth yesterday while talking with Yo Momma. I retracted it a little. "Okay, maybe not severely but severely for me." This isn't a new revelation. I felt it beginning back in October. Maybe even before then. Actually, I've probably held some form of this depression for few years now. Quitting my job made it come to the surface and stick around for awhile.

Naming it, though, is new. As is realizing that something had been missing from my soul too...music.

Music has long been the centerpiece of my communication with God. Whether joy, anger, sadness, frustration, there is usually a song that correlates to my heart tugging at the moment. Singing along to music in the car, strumming the guitar and letting my voice soar has been a way for me to communicate just what it is I'm feeling to God and to receive messages in return.

Music was also part of my livelihood for awhile. For years I lead worship on Sunday mornings with a talented group of people. There were days when it was a job and days when it was worship and days when the two mixed. When I left my job, I left that team. I was striking out on a new journey...somewhere along the way I lost the music. For the last few months, I've felt like I've been in a music-less space with God, like the music in my soul had dried up. I just wrote that sentence like I was aware of that happening. I wasn't. I just realized it as I began this blog post. I just realized that because recently I reconnected with God through music...and I hadn't realized that I had disconnected to begin with.

David Crowder*Band released their final CD a few weeks ago. The first time I listened to the CD, I will admit to being disappointed. I wanted something different, especially since it's a 2-CD set. I kept listening. It's their final CD! I love DC*B! I was determined to like this CD. I listened and I listened and then I heard...

"I swear I'm trying to give everything but I feel like I'm falling, oh make me believe.
What I need is resurrection. What I need is for you to put me back on my feet."--Let Me Feel You Shine

"King of glory oh my Jesus Christ. Free me from what keeps me from your life."--Oh My God

"Oh Great God give us rest. We're all worn thin from all of this.

At the end of our hope, with nothing left. Oh Great God give us rest."--Oh Great God Give us Rest

"Sometimes every one of us feels like we'll never be healed. Sometimes.

Sometimes every one of us aches like we'll never be saved. Sometimes.

When we've given up let Your healing come
When there's nothing left let Your healing come
Till we're rising up let Your healing come
Where You go, we will follow
Where You go, we will follow

It's Your love that we adore
It's like a sea without a shore
We're lost in You, we're lost in You
It's Your love that we adore
It's like a sea without a shore
We're lost in You, we're lost in You
Sometimes"--Sometimes

I didn't know that I had disconnected with God. I didn't know. It wasn't the songs, it wasn't the Cd's, it was me. The music had stopped playing in me. Sure, I still sang along to the radio. Pulled out the guitar and sang with a group when asked, but I had disconnected. I wasn't feeling it. It was me.

Saturday I played guitar and sang with a group for a memorial service. "I'll Fly Away" was the requested song. As we sang I couldn't keep the smile from my face. I didn't mean to be disrespectful to the family who was grieving, but I was starting to reconnect and I couldn't keep the smile from my face.

Sunday in church we sang a new song and the connection continued. My hands itched, not to clap but to start rising from their clenched position by my sides to maybe somewhat mid-waist.

I'm starting to reconnect to God through music...it is good.

Dream job

2012-01-25T13:09:00.000-08:00

As I type this Creative Guy is lounging on the floor at my house, watching Despicable Me and creating something spectacular with the Erector Set he has. He's home from school because he has a gnarly cough and a little bit of a fever. K asked if I could hang out with him today. Of course I said yes. I picked him up from the office and we got coffee and Jamba juice (cuz fruit is always good for sick kids, right?!) and headed back to my house. On the way Creative Guy piped up from the back seat "are you ready to have so much fun?!" My melty ol' heart melted again.

Being mostly unemployed has given me a lot of time to think and rest. I've felt very restless the last couple of months, anxious for a new job. I realized the other day that while I want to be busy, a major reason behind wanting a new job is for the paycheck. Which frustrates me to no end. I've held off on making any kind of volunteer commitments because of the job search thing, but I know if money wasn't an issue this restlessness inside me would be eased as I volunteered at the Library or wherever. It bugs me that money is so much of an issue.

Money is an issue, though, so the search continues. I have a few dream jobs. One would have me NOT go to seminary and still work in a church setting. Director of Administration sounds really good to me. Another is Volunteer Coordinator for Disaster Relief. Something about being on the ground with volunteers, helping them help others is very appealing. Another is a job where I go to work and come home and nary the two shall meet. I'm actually working at another dream job at the moment, helping a Youth Pastor with the nitty gritty stuff so that he can focus on ministry. If there were more hours there, it would be ideal.

Really, the biggest dream job would be one where I can be busy, feel useful, be paid and still have time to, well, hang out with Creative Guy when he's sick or go to coffee with someone at a moments notice, or whatever I feel like doing. A little more than part-time work with a salary that pays the bills and time to play or volunteer. That is my ideal world.

Next week I have a job interview. It's with a non-profit and sounds like a really good opportunity. I am nervous, trying not to get my expectations up and prayerful. I don't know what's around the corner, if this is something that will truly happen, but I do know that I'm ready to be involved with something, making a difference somewhere and feeling as though I'm participating more fully in making the world go round.

In the meantime, I'm helping the world go round at home, with Creative Guy, watching Toy Story 2 (yes, it took that long to write this post.)

Hope your Wednesday is as happy as mine. :)